Most of these great ideas are taken from two terrific adoption resources:
The Connected Child - a book by Dr. Karyn Purvis and the dvd series "Because They Waited"....
* Do-overs: the opportunity to do it again using respectful words.
* Use WORDS, not behaviors, to be understood...not hitting, whining, screaming.
* Parent: Look for ways to make connections throughout the day. Lots of eye contact, positive touching.
* Be positive.
* Redirect gently.
* Avoid setting off the internal alarm/ survival mode. In other words dont respond to their behavior in anger or impatience -this definitely sets it off in most hurt children.
* Be nurturing in your parenting connections -not avoidant. We don't need to make them "independent"by creating distance. Most of them have been forced to be prematurely independent in the orphanage. Get close!
* Pre-Script (my word) or rehearse whats coming. Tell the child what will happen in a situation BEFORE you go. Explain the choices involved and the guidelines/rules clearly. Keep it simple.
* Lots of positive touch throughout the day. Stay close. Hugging, patting, back rubs.
* Remember, blood sugar levels affect behavior. Take snacks and water on all outings.
* Use the sandwich technique to evalute child's behavioral progress with them. That is:
PRAISE- mention something they are doing well
CORRECTION- mention something that needs work
PRAISE -remind them of a success they have had in the above area.
Following are some behavioral goals for children working on attachment, from Dr. Purvis' book page 193, that I think are great - and simple:
*Listen to my heart
*Be respectful
*Accept NO
*No hitting! (no hurts)
*Be kind, not just polite.
*Express my feelings.
*Use my words (not my behaviors)
*Trust safe people
*Be patient
All of these things are terrific. Some days I feel like I hit it right on the mark. Other days, like yesterday, I couldn't even find the mark! There is no magic formula. I am learning that adopting an older child is a tough game, and I did not know the rules before I signed up! Some days, like yesterday, I wake up and (to my shame) find myself thinking of him "Are you still here!?". I don't want to deal with another tantrum, another language misunderstanding, another sibling conflict, or hear him sing Dr. Halley's (the dentist) "Go To Sleep, Teeth" song one more time. I don't want to be touched, followed to the bathroom, or talked-to incessantly. I want to withdraw inside of myself. But that is exactly what he DOES NOT need. He needs connection -from me.
Even now, as I write this, the little fellow is hovering over me insisting that I get off the computer. He dislikes anything that competes with him for my attention. Usually my computer times are shorter for that reason. But today I just felt strongly about writing this blog.
Too often in the adoption world, we focus on the beautiful, hopeful story of a "forever family". At the other extreme are the very sad stories of adoption dissolution. In between is the reality. The reality of adopting an older child, as I have come to know it, is that it is a daily struggle of making connections and learning what does and does not work for this individual child. At the same time, I am piecing together a jigsaw puzzle about his past. I desperately want to know about his life before us, because it will always affect him. And if it affects him then it affects his family. We, as his parents, need to be able to help him blend it together so that one day he will be able to see the rich tapestry that God has been weaving all along.
So for now, I'd better get off the computer and connect with this little guy. I believe there will be a payoff tomorrow:)
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