Enlarge the place of my tent, O Lord!

Well if there is one thing this adoption has shown me about myself it is how "Adam-like" I am (no offence to all you Adams out there). I am disappointed in the strong pull of my sin nature...how easily I can resent an intrusion into my comfortable, predictable life...how I cling to my paltry routines and my "freedoms"...how insulated I have become from a world where things like hunger, toothaches, and want are the norm.  But now right here in our home is a living, breathing, precious reminder that my world was becoming way too small.
"Enlarge the place of your tent, and let them stretch out the curtains of your dwelling. Do not spare. Lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes." (Isaiah 54:2)
Yes, Lord - enlarge my tent.
And my mind.
And my heart.

First Dentist Visit and more

This week Josiah had his first American dentist visit. He did really well. Unfortunately, his teeth need a lot of work. Poor little guy has three chronic absesses from rotten teeth. Pain must be his "normal". They sent us to a special pediatric dentist in Wilmington today. She will try to tackle the issue (part I) on Monday so please pray for him. I had hoped we could have it all done at once under general anesthesia so as not to traumatize him too much but our insurance refuses to pay if the child is over 6. Speaking of age...both dentist feel very strongly that Josiah real age is probably closer to 7 1/2 or 8 but not 9. This is interesting since he has been insisting since I got him that he is 7 - not 9 as his records indicated. We will be having a wrist scan done by our pediatrician later this month to get their input. Then when we refinalize the adoption we will request a younger birthdate on his American birth certificate. This seems best all around -especially since developmentally he has a LOT of catching up to do.
I have been very blessed this week by meeting Jillian Anderson -another adoptive Mom who lives nearby. God brought her to me just when I most needed to hear from someone who has BTDT. Another adoptive mom, Dawn Lucas, has been with us every step of the way and between the two of these gals I am managing to stay propped up. Then, a few nights ago, a couple from our church came by with a chicken dinner, their kiddos, and themselves just to sit and visit. What a blessing! They knew I just needed company. On top of that, Stephi and her family are never far away and she has been a big help so that I could go to the Commissary for groceries. She will also accompany me to the dentist.

Another intersting thing this week is that after several weeks of going down to bed without much trouble, Jojo started becoming very anxious and scared and hyper-alert. Not so good for my sleep but a great indication of real attachment. The previous bedtime "compliance" was obviously just orphanage behavior. Being frightened and calling for "MAMA!!" means he is actually looking for me to meet his needs, much like a two or three year old. The difference of course with Josiah is that unlike my others who were once two and three years old, he has grown up in a very scarey environment where nighttime was not neeessarily spent in a safe place. So on the advice of those who have BTDT, I am now letting him "choose" whether to sleep in his bed in the boys' room or on a cot in my room. Guess which he chose? Of course! I was a little worried about losing my privacy -what little sane time I have. But I also realized the value of building this attachment.There is no room for "crying it out" in the case of a child who has known trauma and fear.
So last night was experimental. It happened to be right after I made the mistake of trying to take the three boys to a local chinese restaurant while the girls were at a  church youth event. Big mistake! NDTA (never-do-that-again!!!). He revved up the entire time and we had to rush out early. He did not even try to communicate with the nice owner who is Chinese. He liked the food but immediately started acting out -you know, like a two year old with no parenting. So we left, came home immediately and did the nighttime routine to try to get him back on track. He loves bathtime and he talked and talked to me from the tub (wished with all my heart I had a translator!). The boys and I all watched the cartoon Grinch Stole Christmas show, has a snack, then had story time and prayer. Jojo LOVES praying, by the way. He also keeps a nativity set beside his bed and talks about "Jesus" often. He even took his balloon from the dentist outside and told me he was giving it to Jesus. he let it go and waved and said in english "Bye Bye. Go to Jesus!" as it floated away.
Whew! I am almost finished.
Please remember us on Monday December the 12th. I will take Josiah for his dental work -he needs some teeth pulled due to the rottenness/abcesses. Pray for him.
Also, please pray for Mark. He is out traveling around Afghanistan visiting his Marines at their outposts. Probably will be out for ten or eleven more days. Lots of helicopter rides and interesting stuff going on on the ground. Thus far our guys with 1/10 have faired very well. Pray for them all.
Blessings all!

Grief, Loss, and the Uglies

Yesterday was a grumpy day with lots of "uglies". Not just on Josiah's part but on mine too. I guess that is the unromantic reality of adoption. Some days, the child's grief and loss are just overwhelming for everyone. No matter how wonderful and plentiful things are in his life now, the truth is that Josiah has lost a lot in his time. First his birth parents, later a foster family, and then his orphanage friends and caregivers, and finally his culture and language. It doesn't come without a cost to him. I saw it yesterday after we watched some video we took in China of his orphanage. AT first he was excited for his brothers and sisters to see the video, but as it continued I could tell he was conflicted in emotions of excitement at seeing himself on the video and sadness. We turned it off and went for a walk. In the middle of the walk he burst into tears, stomped his feet and headed home. The rest of the evening went downhill. I hugged, kissed, cajoled, and did my best to be comforting but steady. He transitioned from bathtime very well -better than he has all week because he loves playing in the water. But I think it was his way of really trying -and showing me that he was trying. But bedtime was still rough and I probably picked the wrong hill to die on when I decided he was worn out and should get in bed a few minutes before Ben and Isaac (mental note - don't choose an already-rough-day to alter an established routine!). He broke down into (more) screams and tears. I insisted he stay in that bed,and in the middle of this HILL, I knew that I should have let it slide this time. But too late. What to do? I am exasperated and really really wishing that Mark were here to tag team right about now. I spoke sharply, sat him on the bed and knew I'd lost this one. We both lost. There was no winning this one. It was a case of the uglies on both our parts, brought on by grief, loss, and sadness - his and mine. It was time to cut bait and move on. I called the other boys in to bed and with a heavy heart tucked everyone in, hugged, kissed, prayed and said Goodnight.
This morning, God had a word for me. I got up early and sat down with my cofffe and bible and still that you-are-a- parenting-failure feeling in my stomach. The question came to me -What are you called to? I answered "I am called to parent this very hurt little boy -and I am screwing up!". Instantly the Lord spoke to my heart "No, You are called to surrender to me. Surrender your own sadness and loneliness and grief at Mark not being here. Surrender your own struggling to do this in your limited power. Just surrender to Me. THAT is what you are called to."
I would like to say that wisdom flooded my soul and I knew exactly how to tackle the day. But it didn't.
Instead, I just knew that yesterday is gone and one foot has to be put in front of the other one today. But most importantly, I was reminded that I am not really alone. My Lord Jesus loves me, and He is mindful of me.