Most of these great ideas are taken from two terrific adoption resources:
The Connected Child - a book by Dr. Karyn Purvis and the dvd series "Because They Waited"....
* Do-overs: the opportunity to do it again using respectful words.
* Use WORDS, not behaviors, to be understood...not hitting, whining, screaming.
* Parent: Look for ways to make connections throughout the day. Lots of eye contact, positive touching.
* Be positive.
* Redirect gently.
* Avoid setting off the internal alarm/ survival mode. In other words dont respond to their behavior in anger or impatience -this definitely sets it off in most hurt children.
* Be nurturing in your parenting connections -not avoidant. We don't need to make them "independent"by creating distance. Most of them have been forced to be prematurely independent in the orphanage. Get close!
* Pre-Script (my word) or rehearse whats coming. Tell the child what will happen in a situation BEFORE you go. Explain the choices involved and the guidelines/rules clearly. Keep it simple.
* Lots of positive touch throughout the day. Stay close. Hugging, patting, back rubs.
* Remember, blood sugar levels affect behavior. Take snacks and water on all outings.
* Use the sandwich technique to evalute child's behavioral progress with them. That is:
PRAISE- mention something they are doing well
CORRECTION- mention something that needs work
PRAISE -remind them of a success they have had in the above area.
Following are some behavioral goals for children working on attachment, from Dr. Purvis' book page 193, that I think are great - and simple:
*Listen to my heart
*Be respectful
*Accept NO
*No hitting! (no hurts)
*Be kind, not just polite.
*Express my feelings.
*Use my words (not my behaviors)
*Trust safe people
*Be patient
All of these things are terrific. Some days I feel like I hit it right on the mark. Other days, like yesterday, I couldn't even find the mark! There is no magic formula. I am learning that adopting an older child is a tough game, and I did not know the rules before I signed up! Some days, like yesterday, I wake up and (to my shame) find myself thinking of him "Are you still here!?". I don't want to deal with another tantrum, another language misunderstanding, another sibling conflict, or hear him sing Dr. Halley's (the dentist) "Go To Sleep, Teeth" song one more time. I don't want to be touched, followed to the bathroom, or talked-to incessantly. I want to withdraw inside of myself. But that is exactly what he DOES NOT need. He needs connection -from me.
Even now, as I write this, the little fellow is hovering over me insisting that I get off the computer. He dislikes anything that competes with him for my attention. Usually my computer times are shorter for that reason. But today I just felt strongly about writing this blog.
Too often in the adoption world, we focus on the beautiful, hopeful story of a "forever family". At the other extreme are the very sad stories of adoption dissolution. In between is the reality. The reality of adopting an older child, as I have come to know it, is that it is a daily struggle of making connections and learning what does and does not work for this individual child. At the same time, I am piecing together a jigsaw puzzle about his past. I desperately want to know about his life before us, because it will always affect him. And if it affects him then it affects his family. We, as his parents, need to be able to help him blend it together so that one day he will be able to see the rich tapestry that God has been weaving all along.
So for now, I'd better get off the computer and connect with this little guy. I believe there will be a payoff tomorrow:)
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Growing Pains...
Mark,
I wish you were here to see how the kids are growing. I dont just mean physically - I mean in every way! Its amazing the amount of stretching and pulling that is required to fit in a new family member...but you would be proud. I think everyone is adjusting very well.
For instance, I used to worry about Isaac. As the youngest, he has always been in danger of being a little spoiled you know. After all, he is our preemie. But since Josiah joined the family, Isaac has had lots of practice learning to think about someone other than himself. And since Josiah LOOKS like a 7 year old but ACTS more like a 3 or 4 year old, I notice that Isaac has really taken him under his wing and looks out for him. They get along great. Being about the same size, they love to wrestle and tickle and play together. Josiah is even impressing Isaac with his emerging LEGO skills. It is wonderful to see Isaac putting someone else first.
Then there is our gentle Benjamin. He truly relishes his role as big brother. And even though he and Josiah have managed to butt heads occasionally, Ben's good-naturedness is just what JoJo needs to diffuse a tense moment. Even when Ben is on the receiving end of one of Josiah's temper-tantrums, he will look at me with a grin and whisper about his little brother "Isn't he CUTE when he gets mad and his eyes squint up like that!".
Katie is Josiah's special play-mate. She never makes him mad always laughs when he wants to be silly and is quick to take him to the playground to swing. She loves to tickle and play. The two of them have their own funny slap-stick humor routine. Katie has taught JoJo how to make all kinds of funny faces. She brings out the natural comedian in our little guy.
Aahh, then there is "Ge Ge". That's Grace. "Ge Ge" means Big Sister in Chinese and it is the ONLY name Josiah will call her. It is a very special position. He seems to see Katie as the playmate but GeGe is the caretaker. She is closest in position to Momma and Aunt Stephanie. Both the girls have been great with Josiah. They have embraced their new brother. After only his first week home Katie declared "We could never be a family without him!".
Mark, dearest, I know you are proud of them all. From the very beginning of this journey, all the kids have made the decision to love Josiah. They daily make the choice to act on that decision. They see how Jesus is working in his heart. They see how God healed his body.
What they don't see, but I do, is how the Lord is also working in them. He is loving through them. He is letting them be His hands and feet.
One of Josiah's favorite movies is the Tigger movie. Its about the Winnie the Pooh character Tigger who goes looking for his "real" Tigger family. In the end, Tigger is unable to find anymore Tiggers. But he finds that his real family is right there with him in the Hundred-Acre-Wood : Pooh, Piglet, Kanga, Roo, Rabbit, Eyeore, Owl, and Christopher Robin. Josiah is always delighted at the end of the story when Tigger declares that he has found his family. Occasionally after watching it, JoJo has said things like "In China, me have no family. Me one, like Tigger.".
Well, last night, after a little arguement over some Legos, Josiah and Benjamin apologized to one another. Josiah was clearly worried that Ben was angry (and actually Ben had a reason to be). " Ben angry me! Me sad!", he sobbed. Right away Benjamin threw his arms around his little brother and exclaimed "No Josiah. Ben loves you! I forgive you. I love you my brother!". An amazing look came over Josiah's face - as if he could hardly understand what he was being offered - forgiveness and love - instead of shame, guilt, fear. His face brightened. "Me family!" he cried out, "Me family."
Aaah, he's getting it!
Yes, Tigger, we are family.
I wish you were here to see how the kids are growing. I dont just mean physically - I mean in every way! Its amazing the amount of stretching and pulling that is required to fit in a new family member...but you would be proud. I think everyone is adjusting very well.
For instance, I used to worry about Isaac. As the youngest, he has always been in danger of being a little spoiled you know. After all, he is our preemie. But since Josiah joined the family, Isaac has had lots of practice learning to think about someone other than himself. And since Josiah LOOKS like a 7 year old but ACTS more like a 3 or 4 year old, I notice that Isaac has really taken him under his wing and looks out for him. They get along great. Being about the same size, they love to wrestle and tickle and play together. Josiah is even impressing Isaac with his emerging LEGO skills. It is wonderful to see Isaac putting someone else first.
Then there is our gentle Benjamin. He truly relishes his role as big brother. And even though he and Josiah have managed to butt heads occasionally, Ben's good-naturedness is just what JoJo needs to diffuse a tense moment. Even when Ben is on the receiving end of one of Josiah's temper-tantrums, he will look at me with a grin and whisper about his little brother "Isn't he CUTE when he gets mad and his eyes squint up like that!".
Katie is Josiah's special play-mate. She never makes him mad always laughs when he wants to be silly and is quick to take him to the playground to swing. She loves to tickle and play. The two of them have their own funny slap-stick humor routine. Katie has taught JoJo how to make all kinds of funny faces. She brings out the natural comedian in our little guy.
Aahh, then there is "Ge Ge". That's Grace. "Ge Ge" means Big Sister in Chinese and it is the ONLY name Josiah will call her. It is a very special position. He seems to see Katie as the playmate but GeGe is the caretaker. She is closest in position to Momma and Aunt Stephanie. Both the girls have been great with Josiah. They have embraced their new brother. After only his first week home Katie declared "We could never be a family without him!".
Mark, dearest, I know you are proud of them all. From the very beginning of this journey, all the kids have made the decision to love Josiah. They daily make the choice to act on that decision. They see how Jesus is working in his heart. They see how God healed his body.
What they don't see, but I do, is how the Lord is also working in them. He is loving through them. He is letting them be His hands and feet.
One of Josiah's favorite movies is the Tigger movie. Its about the Winnie the Pooh character Tigger who goes looking for his "real" Tigger family. In the end, Tigger is unable to find anymore Tiggers. But he finds that his real family is right there with him in the Hundred-Acre-Wood : Pooh, Piglet, Kanga, Roo, Rabbit, Eyeore, Owl, and Christopher Robin. Josiah is always delighted at the end of the story when Tigger declares that he has found his family. Occasionally after watching it, JoJo has said things like "In China, me have no family. Me one, like Tigger.".
Well, last night, after a little arguement over some Legos, Josiah and Benjamin apologized to one another. Josiah was clearly worried that Ben was angry (and actually Ben had a reason to be). " Ben angry me! Me sad!", he sobbed. Right away Benjamin threw his arms around his little brother and exclaimed "No Josiah. Ben loves you! I forgive you. I love you my brother!". An amazing look came over Josiah's face - as if he could hardly understand what he was being offered - forgiveness and love - instead of shame, guilt, fear. His face brightened. "Me family!" he cried out, "Me family."
Aaah, he's getting it!
Yes, Tigger, we are family.
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